Very rarely have I read “spark of life,” “amazing,” or “captivating” used by trans and gender non-conforming people–or anyone for that matter–to describe their experiences in prison. It is good to hear about finding love, and “sparks of life” behind bars. In this letter, Lexy, an incarcerated trans woman in Midstate Correctional Facility, describes some of the joy she finds in her relationship with her new fiance.
by Lexy Borders
March 30, 2014
I don’t believe I deserve to feel this way. It would seem as though I daily fare adverse treatment from NYS corrections officers. I don’t believe being Transgendered in a place like this is the easiest to wake up to each day but in writing I find not only solitude but an innate feeling to go on and to endure. An experience like this opens many feelings of loneliness. In any event I have become more aware of who I am as a graduate of Gemological Institute of America. I obtained a degree in “Diamonds and Diamond Grading,” I began my own corporation, “Vendura Diamond Corp,” in 2012 and I will continue as a GIA certified Gemologist upon my release.
Spiritually I want to believe I’ve primed my entire life waiting for only one person in my life. I knew this one person existed in a world among so many, and even in the darkest corners of this world, I can still find something so captivating, so pure, and so full of life.
My parents own a beach house in Newport, Rhode Island. I still spend summers there now, but I often sat on the beach wondering when I would find him. I knew he would exceed my expectations, but I also knew I would love him beyond any normal sense of understanding. I don’t even know how any of this is possible and for that matter I don’t even know how he is possible. I met “Terrence” in Midstate C.F. and I never really knew who he was until I really got to know him. The truth is I never knew someone so beautiful could exist. The chemistry is amazing and he never seems to make me stop laughing, but it is in the way he looks at me, it’s in the way he protects me. His eyes are simply captivating, even the color of his skin, it’s just as light as his eyes. I know he is quite like me in one sense. He is unlike any other. I find tremendous value in “Terrence.” He is equitable. He is giving. If there was one spark of hope in my life that I would find “Terrence” in one of the darkest corners of this world, then I achieved that very hope.
Anyone I could have hoped for, anyone I could have wished to marry or spend my life with, it’s “Terrence.” I am able to find a sense of peace with him in my life. He gives me so much more than even he could ever realize.
I realize that I never want to wake up another day without “Terrence.” Next time I know that our relationship is frowned upon, but in each time that I look into his eyes I am helplessly aware that someone I’ve been searching, waiting, longing for my entire life is now at my side. I knew that whoever he was he was going to be a great guy, but he is no short of Amazing. I am simply in love with “Terrence.”
It was just yesterday, on March 28th 2014, that he asked me to marry him, and I accepted. It would seem as though I’ve waited lifetimes for him. God what did I do to deserve him. I know 1 thing to be certain in all of this, he and I are beginning to write our own story, and I’m the lucky 1.
Alex “Lexy” Borders